2 Girls, 1 Cup and a Vampire Count
by Kwonkicker
Summary: Alucard, Seras, Integra and various others watch the infamous and sordid video. Hilarity ensues.


Disclaimer- Hey there everyone. Started working on the sequel to Hellsing: The Dark Wars. Coming along nicely so far. In the mean time here's a little something to tide you over. What happens when Alucard, Integra, Walter and various other Hellsing characters watch the infamous and sordid video "2 girls 1 cup"? Hilarity ensues.

Hellsing is property of Kouta Hirano and owned/copyrighted/distributed by its respective companies. I do not own Hellsing in any manner. Do not sue me.

**2 Girls, 1 Cup and a Vampire Count**

Walter entered Integra's office, looking very disturbed. Integra looked up from her computer. "Something wrong Walter?" she questioned. Walter frowned, "Um..Madam there has been a recent development." he said. "Oh have we figured out who's manufacturing the ghouls and fake vampires?" she asked. Walter shook his head. "Has there been another attack on civilians?" Again, no. "Has the Queen been assassinated?" "No Ma'am. She has not" Walter said. Integra raised her eyebrow. "Well, what's the problem?"

"A video"

"...a video?" she asked. Walter nodded as he walked over to her computer. He began typing in an address on the search engine. "One of the men at the Round Table mentioned it to me the other day. It has them all terrified. You need to see for yourself." Integra said nothing as a website loaded on her screen. "I should warn you Ma'am." he said as she turned to him. "What you are about to see...well. Just watch" he stated. The website loaded and a video displaying two attractive young Brazilian women rubbing each other. They then began kissing.

Integra scowled a little. "Well..ok they're lesbians. Clearly. What's the problem?" she asked a little annoyed at the apprent harmless nature of the video. That was soon proven wrong when one of the girls began stripping naked and squatted down. The other girl grabbed a plastic cup, holding it underneath. Integra's eyes widened. "Wait...wait..what the hell is she do- UGH! OH GOD! OH MY GOD!" she shouted a the top of her lungs. One girl was defecating into the cup. The other then took the contents and began consuming it. Much to Integra's horror. "Oh my..._God_. What the hell is this? Walter why the hell am I watching this atrocity?" she shouted covering her mouth. What happened next truly confused her. Walter began snickering, soon bursting into uncontrollable laughter. Integra furiously shouted at him.

"Walter just what the fuck is going on? Why are you showing me this disgust-...oh she..._she's swallowing the vomit!"_ Integra said covering her mouth again. She nearly vomited herself. Walter regained his composure. "It was just a bit of fun. What really happened is we've been going around getting people to watch this video. It's all in fun, to see their outrage." he explained chuckling. Integra then narrowed her eyes. "Who the hell would make such a thing?" she asked. "It's called two girls one cup. It's a fetish pornography involving the consumption of well...er nevermind. You've seen it." Walter said resisting the urge to laugh again.

Integra watched as the video finished playing. She was horrified. "They..ate _shit_. They actually ate it. I can't believe the things people do for pleasure. This is so wrong." she said sighing. Integra remained silent for a moment before a thought popped into her head. "Walter...what if we got Alucard and Seras to watch it?" she said.

Walter flashed a sinister grin as Integra chuckled. "Let's do it" they said in unison.

An hour later...

"Walter...why are you filming me watching this video?" Seras asked. Walter held a small video camera as he began to film Seras along with Alucard and Integra. Grinning he snickered, "It's for documentation. You both need to watch this video" he said watching Integra type on the computer.

"Ok so..what kind of video is this?" Seras asked watching the screen load. Alucard stood behind her, his brooding crimson eyes flashed with intrigue. Seras sat in the chair facing Integra's computer. Integra along with Walter stood next to Alucard. "Just watch Seras. Consider this a..special assignment." she said hiding a smile. Seras blinked before clicking the link. "2 girls..1 cup. Er...ok sure. Odd name." she said. Both she and Alucard watched as the video began playing. Once again the two Brazilian girls began cuddling and kissing, much to Seras' chagrin. She grit her teeth and rolled her eyes. "What the hell is this? Why am I watching two girls kiss?" she said. Walter chuckled, holding his hand over his mouth as Integra snickered. Seras was totally confused. The video continued reaching its shocking breaking point. As the consumption of feces began Seras' red eyes nearly bulged from their sockets. "WALTER! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" she shouted utterly disgusted. Integra and Walter burst out laughing. Alucard grimaced, the vampire count actually displeased with what he was viewing.

"She...ate the shit. They're rolling in it like a fucking mud pit. Humans never cease to fascinate me." he said shaking his head. His fledgling was not doing so good. "Oh God...what the hell is she doing no- OH GOD! Why is she eating that? She just swallowed the shi- OH MY GOD I'M GONNA BE SICK!" Seras said shutting her eyes and looking away from the screen. She began retching, increasing in frequency and causing Walter and Integra to laugh even harder. The video soon finished and Seras began huffing violently to regian her composure. Alucard had a sick look. "Centuries of violence and bloodshed. I've seen the worst side of mankind...yet this video was worse then everything atrocity I have ever witnessed. Integra I must ask...why the hell did we watch this?" Alucard asked annoyed. Integra chuckled, "It was all Walter's doing." she said as the aging butler snickered.

Seras shuddered at what she just witnessed. "You're all a bunch of perverts. Watching this crap.." she spat. Walter kept filming, "This is all too good I say honestly should we find someone else to film watching it?" Walter asked.

At that moment gunfire broke out. Integra's monitor was destroyed by a hail of bullets. Turning they saw Seras holding her rifle, smoke hissing from the barrel as she panted hard.

"NO!" Alucard and Seras both shouted causing him to laugh nervously. "Well...was worth a shot."

Meanwhile across London...

"Ok bro man check it you gotta watch this! It's TOO fucked up!" Jan Valentine said to his older sibling Luke. Sitting in a chair facing their computer Luke frowned, his eyebrow twitching from annoyance. "Jan..if this is another German porn video I DON'T want to see it." he said. Jan began laughing, pulling out a video camera he started recording. "Bro come on this shit is fucking insane! You remember the time we went and did that job and all the girls got fucking _massacred_? It's so much more fucked up then that!" Luke didn't seem convinced. Jan set the camera down and furiously typed in an address into the search engine. Picking the camera back up he continued filming.

"Worse then the German porno?" Luke asked.

"Yeah"

"Worse then that time all those ghouls ate that school bus full of mentally handicapped teens?"

"FUCK yeah!" Jan said excitedly. Luke seemed moderately intrigued. "Alright I'll bite" he said sighing. Jan snickered. Turning the camera on himself he began an introduction. "Alright so we're the Valentine Brothers. I'm the little bro Jan, and that's big brother Luke. Say hi bro!" he said as Luke shook his head, mumbling something about Jan being stupid. "Alright so I'm about to show my brother 2 girls and 1 cup. Here we go" he said as he switched back to filming Luke who began viewing the screen. Shifting his glasses Luke watched as both girls began kissing.

"Alright. They're lesbians clearly. I don't see what the big de-. Wait. Wait..." Luke said as his eyes widened. Jan started chuckling, zooming in on his brother's expression. Luke began shaking as the revolting pleasures began. "No. No...I don't belie-Oh God! OH MY GOD! Ugh...ugh...ughh what is wrong with you?" he asked shouting at Jan whom was now laughing quite hard. "Dude see what I told you? It's too fucked up!" Jan said continuing to laugh and film his brother's displeasure. The girls then began vomiting, licking the contents and scooping it into a cup. "Oh God! Oh my God! She...she just ate shit! Oh my-Is this stuff real? Ugh...ugh...Oh my God!" Luke said beginning to retch. Jan was holding his sides, truly enjoying this spectacle. The video soon finished and Luke tried regaining his composure. "Jan, why the hell do you watch this shit?" he asked.

"Dude this guy's friend showed it to us. I mean, he's like, into those weird fetishses. I mean the kind of shit where like the chicks bang each other with rods or some crazy shit. But dude bro what the fuck right? Who makes this shit?" he said still filming Luke's visage. Luke spat into a napkin before fixing his glasses. "I swear I'm never watching something you recommend." he said walking away as Jan filmed. "EVER" he called out. Jan sucked his teeth. "Dude. Bro. Come on." Jan said calling to Luke but to no avail. Walking after him he kept filming. "Don't be such a fucking pussy Luke" he said.

And now for some fun with the Vatican...

"Anderson...what the hell is this?" Maxwell shouted watching the computer screen. He began retching. Anderson shook his head. "Some of the older boys had been showing it around. Apparently it's some kind of gag. They get people to watch the video, even record their horror and disgust." he explained. Maxwell watched as the girls began rubbing and consuming feces.

Anderson shuddered, turning away while watching Maxwell view the video. His eyebrow twitched. The video ended. Maxwell began swearing in Italian. Anderson turned to his superior. "Forgive me sir, I didn't realize it was this awful". Maxwell remained silent before a devious smile crept on his face.

"Anderson...what do you think His Holiness the Pope would say if he saw this?" he said grinning maliciously. Anderson contemplated before responding. "Let's show him" he said grinning. "I'll get my camera!" Anderson said running to grab his camera to film the reaction.

Well that's all. Get ready I'm doing a Naruto fan fic before I release my next Hellsing story. Thanks for reading!


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